January 2010
7 posts
8 tags
Nerd Alert
Dear Syfy Network,
I know that last year you wanted to distance yourself from the nerdy images that your old name, The Sci-Fi Channel, brought to mind in the mass media. Long gone are the hey days of your programing like Farscape, Lexx, and Battlestar Galactica (Though Caprica certainly does put you on the road to redemption). I know the name change gives you a singular and marketable name, but...
9 tags
Less Than Desirable Romance
Dear Lady GaGa,
It is amazing how well you have been doing this past year or so, rocketing through to the top of the charts in no time at all. You even have a Facebook page dedicated to your random musical babbling. My question to you is: What demon spat you out from their loins? Or if that scenario is not the case: What demon has taken possession of your fragile human body?
See, your music is...
8 tags
The Games People Play
Dear Facebook Friends,
I should have informed you that my disdain for FarmVille extends to other Facebook games as well, including but not limited to: YoVille and Mafia Wars. While I am sure that you get plenty of enjoyment out of them, I myself, am not so stupid as to be so easily entertained by them. Please don’t think I am calling you stupid… well… I am calling you stupid, but in the nicest...
9 tags
Apple giveth and Apple taketh away (your money)
Dear Apple,
Thanks for the exciting 90 minute presentation on the new iPad. I am sure your new product will be a hit with the media as well as with consumers.
With that said, fuck you.
Fuck you because I need someone to blame for my consumerist mindset out weighing my financial woes, and guess what, Stevie-boy, you just made yourself a big old iTarget. That’s right, I am looking right at you,...
3 tags
Plagued by FarmVille part 2
Dear Facebook friends,
Please stop suggesting that I become a fan of FarmVille. I have no interest in an inane pseudo-farming game. I swear that I will unleash a plague of tiny digital locusts on the crops of the next person I get an invite from. I am eff’ing serious.
Love, Matt
5 tags
The Mattstradamus Effect
Dear History Channel,
Please quit showing commercials for “The Nostradamus Effect”. Nostradamus was not a “prophet”, he was just a crazy old man who made purposely vague guesses that could have been true of just about anything. That is not called prophecy, that is called bullshitting. I am good at it too, how do you think I passed so many essay exams in college?
Love, Matt
7 tags
Death Panels
Dear Conservatives,
Liberals are not trying to set up death panels to kill your Grandma. Do you know why? Because your Grandma is cooler than you. She makes us cookies and on Thursdays we drink scotch and watch “Murder She Wrote”. BTW she thinks you are a good for nothing bum who never visits and she likes your cousin, Vince, much better. That’s why he always gets the better gifts at...