July 2011
1 post
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March 2011
2 posts
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factuality:
Humorist and Personal Computer, John...
4 tags
This Day in History
March 15, 44 BCE
Julius Caesar is stabbed to death on the floor of the Roman Senate by Brutus and a number of other co-conspirators. The exact motivation is unknown, but many historians have pointed to possible connections to Caesar’s March Madness bracket, having picked Athens U over the University of North Umbria. Brutus, being a UNU fan since getting his undergrad there, took exception....
February 2011
1 post
November 2010
1 post
3 tags
July 2010
1 post
6 tags
June 2010
1 post
1 tag
April 2010
11 posts
8 tags
How to make animal noises in different languages. →
sixstepfailure:
Very useful when traveling abroad.
Hmmm, ideed
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Mr. Pickles
I had just moved to the city; found an apartment a few blocks from the F Line subway station on South 53rd. My new coworkers warned me that all the crazies rode. the F train, so I was prepared for homeless preachers, dirty guys muttering to themselves, insane hookers, anything. I had seen my fair share in the week I had been here, but today there was just a cat.
It had gotten on at the Covington...
4 tags
March 2010
11 posts
Blogorrhea: Open Thread: Shorter Health Care... →
Democrats: “We need health care reform” Republicans: “Liberal fascists! Give us a majority and we’ll do it better” Democrats: “Done, you have majority of both houses”
12 years later, health care is irrefutably worse in every respect for every single person in the United States
Democrats: “We…
I spent four hours creating this and you should... →
thefrogman:
I really don’t think I’m crazy. I’m pretty sure this is awesome. But anything longer than a paragraph seems to get skipped around these parts.
This Day in History
factuality:
March 23, 1775
Patrick Henry delivers the famous “Give me Liberty, or Give me Death!” speech in Richmond, Virginia. Popular historical accounts don’t mention that he immediately followed that bold statement with: “Though I must contend that I would prefer liberty. Seriously, I would.”
If you enjoy Factuality, please consider Recommending it to the Humor category!
3 tags
I’ll always remember!
Dear Letters to People Reader(s):
I am afraid this will be my last letter in the form of this blog. As this is my default blog I plan on repurposing it to generally funny things that come to mind rather that just the basic letter format. I had a lot of fun but frankly I realized that this is not really my style of humor and that I am having shit tons of fun with my other humor blog Factuality. Be...
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This Day in History
Dear Letters to People Reader(s):
In the absence of things I am annoyed at recently* I have found that I am having a hard time coming up with something funny to write about within the scope of this blog. But fear not, humble Reader(s), for I am not gone from tumblr, I have started another humor blog, one that is sure to delight and to amaze. This new blog is called Factuality, and it contains the...
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Oscar, can you hear me?
Dear Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences:
I watched part of the Oscars last night and I must say that you guys are terrible people. I mean I give you credit for managing to prevent Meryl Streep from turning into the Hulk* and rending Sandra Bullock limb from limb. But you let that monster, Oprah, make the sweet girl from Precious cry. Seriously, are those little gold statues worth the...
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Hi[atus], how are you?
Dear Letters to People Reader(s),
Sorry for the extended down time of this blog, the past few weeks have been hell. I was pretty sick and only now am I finally getting back to 100%. Being sick really puts a damper on your sense of humor* so I didn’t write anything for the fear of posting something unfunny**.
Plus, my cat finally had her kittens and I have been too distracted by their cuteness to...
February 2010
16 posts
3 tags
Curses!
Dear Letters to People Reader(s),
Yesterday, my little brother and I had a short conversation about the contents of this blog. He said that while he thinks it is funny, he doesn’t think people will take me seriously because I swear so much. Now, my little brother is 22 and and hardly the clean mouthed person himself (sadly most of the little shit’s humor derives from Internet meme’s, but no one’s...
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glassmace asked: Of course, the irony with "Will this pickle get more fans than Lady Gaga" is that the same pickle was recently inside Lady Gaga. Hmmmm. I don't really have a question per se. Oh wait, here's one. I recently saw that Jillian weather woman on the FOX morning show because the psychotic neo-conservative nut jobs get hold of the TVs at the gym when they see me coming. Anyway, a...
Anonymous asked: How is it that something as commonplace as a drive-through restaurant can turn normally, reasonably intelligent individuals into babbling, incoherant, indecisive idiots?
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Gay's Anatomy -or- Lady GagMe
Dear People of the Earth:
So apparently Lady GaGa is in fact an actual female as evidenced by her flashing her lady business to the British (NSFW nor for the feint of heart). I can almost hear Eddie Murphy crying into his Jack and Sprite as I type. Meanwhile, straight guys everywhere who have a fetish for glitter and bailing wire will finally have their doubts cast aside. I myself, was fine with...
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Fan(ning) the Flames
Dear Facebook friends:
I know I write to you a lot, but there is so much on my mind I need to say to you. Recently there has been the fad of groups with names like “We bet this [Common Food Item] can get more fans than [Pop star who shows too much leg]!” I thought the first one was clever, but after I received many numerous requests to join others with increasingly strange food items...
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Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes straight...
Dear My Skin:
I want to thank you for always being there for me, covering my internal organs and the like, but I must remind you that I am not 16 any more. I am 25 now and I expect that my individual organs get with the picture as well (except you, hair follicles, I have noticed more than a few of you jumping ship). There is no excuse for acne at my age, Skin, really there is not. How much time...
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VD-Day
Dear Valentine’s Day Celebrants,
It is the day after the day after Valentine’s Day, a time when millions of happy couples get tested for their newly acquired STDs. Don’t feel bad that you weren’t the only ones to have a drunken romp sans a condom after three Mai Tai’s at Ruby Tuesday’s. Gonorrhea is not the end of the world, think of it like you are taking the sharing of your lives to the next...
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30 Helens Recommend...
That’s right, 30 Helens would recommend Letters to People for the directory under the humor category. The problem is that the 30 Helens don’t have Tumblr accounts so they can’t. So I am counting on you, sexy sexy readers, to help me get in the directory.
Love and kisses, Matt
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Jersey Shoring It Up
This is my first letter requested by a reader. Thanks, glassmace!
Dear douchebags, those trendwhores who insist that your Ed Hardy shirts, True Religion Jeans or Rock and Republic or Juicy Couture attire does anything to mitigate your over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by low level intelligence and ridiculous public behavior:
Where do you get the nerve? Honestly, if New Jersey and LA...
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glassmace asked: Fantastic. Can your next letter be to the douchebags, those trendwhores who insist that their Ed Hardy shirts, True Religion Jeans or Rock and Republic or Juicy Couture attire does anything to mitigate their over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by low level intelligence and ridiculous public behavior?
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Buddy Holly glasses, plaid, and enough Stella...
Dear Hipsters,
I see a lot of you around the Detroit area, I am not just talking about the middle class teenagers who wear skinny jeans because it totes makes them look A-MAZ-ING. I am talking about those of you who are the artisan tea drinking, vegan-friendly organic and pesticide free cocaine snorting types who listen to Pete Yorn like he’s going out of style. I am on to you! You come into our...
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The Right Directory
Dear Letters to People who happen to also be Tumblr users:
Since it is Tumblr Tuesday it is time to recommend blogs for inclusion in the Directory. I would be most appreciative if you, my dear and humble readers, would recommend Letters to People in the Humor category. I would be happy to offer a recommendation or a hand job in return, your choice. I hope I can count on you, you gorgeous and sexy...
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snOMG!
Dear people living in the Mid-Atlantic States:
I know this record snow storm has come in as a big shock to you guys, as someone who lives in Michigan, I can understand what you are going through. But as someone who lives in Michigan I would also like to say: Shut the fuck up already. Yeah, it snowed a lot but it is not like you guys are going to have to curl up in the guts of a dead Tauntaun for...
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Urban Pictionary
Dear Facebook friends,
What’s up with all status updates with definitions of your names from Urban Dictionary? Do we really need another way to have someone else define us? I mean we already have two perfectly good ways of shirking the responsibility of defining ourselves and placing it in the hands of arbitrary criteria: Zodiac signs and place mats at Chinese restaurants. I am satisfied by...
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Matt of the Damned
Dear Letters to People Reader(s):
I return to you a fairly confident that I didn’t totally botch my job interview today*. And I see you have have risen from the death that my absence has caused. See, I told you it wouldn’t be so bad.
Actually, I think I did pretty well, the interviewer was nice and helpful and didn’t smack me with a ruler when I fucked up some Nested Styles in InDesign. Trust...
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Interview with the Mattpire
Dear Letters to People Readers,
I planned on sitting down today and writing a few more of these letters, but an 8 am phone call from a possible job connection with an offer of an interview completely over turned those plans. The time between now and 11 am Thursday morning will be spent brushing up on my InDesign skills, pretending that my portfolio hasn’t been collecting dust for the past 18...
January 2010
7 posts
8 tags
Nerd Alert
Dear Syfy Network,
I know that last year you wanted to distance yourself from the nerdy images that your old name, The Sci-Fi Channel, brought to mind in the mass media. Long gone are the hey days of your programing like Farscape, Lexx, and Battlestar Galactica (Though Caprica certainly does put you on the road to redemption). I know the name change gives you a singular and marketable name, but...
9 tags
Less Than Desirable Romance
Dear Lady GaGa,
It is amazing how well you have been doing this past year or so, rocketing through to the top of the charts in no time at all. You even have a Facebook page dedicated to your random musical babbling. My question to you is: What demon spat you out from their loins? Or if that scenario is not the case: What demon has taken possession of your fragile human body?
See, your music is...
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The Games People Play
Dear Facebook Friends,
I should have informed you that my disdain for FarmVille extends to other Facebook games as well, including but not limited to: YoVille and Mafia Wars. While I am sure that you get plenty of enjoyment out of them, I myself, am not so stupid as to be so easily entertained by them. Please don’t think I am calling you stupid… well… I am calling you stupid, but in the nicest...
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Apple giveth and Apple taketh away (your money)
Dear Apple,
Thanks for the exciting 90 minute presentation on the new iPad. I am sure your new product will be a hit with the media as well as with consumers.
With that said, fuck you.
Fuck you because I need someone to blame for my consumerist mindset out weighing my financial woes, and guess what, Stevie-boy, you just made yourself a big old iTarget. That’s right, I am looking right at you,...
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Plagued by FarmVille part 2
Dear Facebook friends,
Please stop suggesting that I become a fan of FarmVille. I have no interest in an inane pseudo-farming game. I swear that I will unleash a plague of tiny digital locusts on the crops of the next person I get an invite from. I am eff’ing serious.
Love, Matt